Giardia: Eat Shit and Die…
If you’ve traveled to another country or gone anywhere in the outdoors, you’ve probably heard of giardia. Supposedly Civilizations settlers brought this crap over from Europe or somewhere, since giardia seems to foster best in densely populated areas of domestic cows. Thanks to these assholes (the settlers, not the cows) this flagellated protozoan parasite known as Giardia lamblia, (AKA “the runs,” “the shits,” and my favorite; “Beaver Fever“), lives in almost every water source in the United States. It generally spreads by tricking someone into eating the poop of another infected creature… which leads me to think that giardia sounds like Mother Nature telling civilization to, and not in the figurative sense, “eat shit and die.”
The Shittiness of Giardia
Beaver Fever has several ways of getting inside your gutsâ€“just the perfect spot it needs to throw a poo-poo party. The quickest and easiest way to get this party started involves you drinking water with giardia contaminated poop, such as water with contaminated beavers; hence, Beaver Fever. Second on our list we have eating things that have shit rubbed all over them. Mmmmm, tasty! Thirdly we have… possibly the worst thing imaginable… plain old shit-eating. EeeeeeeW! I feel my stomach turning over just thinking about giardia!
Grossed out yet? Thank Civilization.
Anywho. I think we can all agree that none of us want giardia (mostly because of the embarrassment of getting labeled “shit eater” by our friends). So how can we avoid it? Step one seems fairly obvious; stop eating shit! Step two; avoid drinking water that appears contaminated. Personally, I just assume it has giardia in it these days if it does not come from a tap, or a natural spring… and even then… Step three, boil boil boil the shit out of that water! If you do drink water from a creek or wherever, boil or purify it with some other means. I find this important with or without giardia. So many chemicals and other water borne parasites exist these days (all thanks to civilization).
“How do I know if I’ve got it?” Let’s just say you’ll know. Several weeks after “accidentally” eating contaminated feces, you’ll begin to experience stomach pains, nausea, loud obnoxious farts, and have lots and lots and lots of diarrhea. However, many people, I call them freaks, do not have symptoms when they get giardia.
“I’ve got giardia, what do I do?” Shh. Don’t say it out loud! Go to the doctor to make sure. If this happens post-apocalyptically, you can do a few things. Drink tons more water (and a lot less shit). Giardia causes diarrhea, which will make you dehydrated, so keep those fluids coming, and make sure you purify it… and do it right this time! And please, for all of us, wash your hands. Oh, I almost forgot. Avoid anal play during sex. 😉 To get rid of giardia, doctors can prescribe several drugs. If you want to get all primitive (and you live in the NW) you can make a tea from Oregon Grape root bark. You’ll need quite a bit. Drink it for a long time after your symptoms have gone away, just to make sure it won’t come back.
1. What other herbs can heal Giardia?
2. Why do some people not have symptoms?
3. Will we ever drink water from creeks without having to worry about giardia and other such civilized nonsense?
*I wrote this article in e-prime. Please inform me if you find a verb “to be” or any Aristolian bullshit.*
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