Internal Pressure, Cooking

Today brings March 26th. In less than a week the sun will rise on my arbitrary start date of April 1st. My mind feels shattered. I feel numb, scared, but mostly confused. What will change on this day of fools? How will my life change? What rules will I set in place? Why did I decide to do this so many months, so many years back?

I do not remember what got me here. Why did I choose to do this? What exactly will I do differently in a week than I do today? Will people find it interesting? Does that matter?

Originally, my goal looked like “primitivism,” but no so anymore. I could care less about making willow baskets or blades out of bone. I feel something deeper going on. I want to run away. I want to get a job and make money. I want to go back to teaching kids about nature or working as a producers bitch on television commercials, or chopping organic vegetables for some rich white persons hot wok. Anything but this. I don’t know why I feel so scared… I don’t even understand what will look so different. What will look different? I keep asking myself this and every time I think a plan that I’ve worked out will begin to run in the back of my mind, reassuring me. But I have no plan. Why don’t I have a plan? I should have a plan. I had one… didn’t I? What happened to the one I had? Oh yeah, I threw it away. It made no sense.

I’ve got money for food. That I know. The goal involves not using that money, but getting food by hunting, gathering and growing it myself. But I’ve got this money. Originally I said I would sleep outside for the whole year, a way of making sure I stayed on course. But now I’ve got a sweet warm bed, with a beautiful woman in it. Why did I want to sleep outside? Would that fit the definition of “primitive?” If my goal revolves around food, why does sleeping outside have any significance? Why did I buy that fucking Tipi? I live in the Northwest, not the plains. What technology will I use? I have a solar panel. I have a laptop, cell phone, digital camcorder, and digital camera. Why the fuck do I have all that shit? I told people I would document my “journey.”

What makes me different than a couch surfing mooch? Will I use other people’s stoves to cook my food? Probably. Where the hell would I find enough firewood to cook meals everyday? Would that feel energy efficient? Maybe I should. I wrote that I would in the original plan. The one I threw away. Maybe it felt like too much at once. Maybe if I cooked a few meals a week on a fire to get a feel for it. To find out where caches of wood exist. To find out how much wood I will need for one cooking fire. That makes me heart feel a little more at ease. Baby steps. Remember what happened the last time you stepped too far out of your comfort zone… you freaked out. You lost it. You haven’t gone on a survival trek since. That happened five or six years ago. Yes. This plan, you thought this could help you break the spell from that trip. Baby steps. You’ve written a screenplay about this guy who lives the way you want to live. But to get there, you’ve got to take it slow. Remember, indigenous children had 9-12 years of total emmersion before they became expected to get food, and even then, they didn’t hunt alone.

I will not hunt alone. I mean, I will hunt alone. At first. Yes, I know friends who want to come with me. Other people “into primitive skills” want to kill stuff. But on this quest, at least at first, I must go alone. Hunting feels sacred.

I’ve started gardening too. Gotta plant before April 1st. Gathering will come easy I think. Especially the fruits in the fall.

This coming year still feels and looks ambiguous. Should I write out a regiment? “Must cook over fire on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?” “Must kill two small rodents every week?” I can’t do that. I feel like it must remain spontaneous. A little structure maybe. Hell, I have started the Kamana Program again, and I need to structure some time for that.

I turn 25 on April 8th. I’ll have lived for a quarter of a century. Seems like the biggest birthday since 21. It’ll also mark a year of sobriety. A year since I lost my hearing in my left ear… Should I have a birthday party? I wanted to have a tipi warming party too. I don’t remember if I intentionally coincided these events. A rebirth at 25 years old.

I have decided that on April 1st, I will rise just before the sun, pedal to Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge (Urban Scout’s home in the movies) and find a spot to sit in until after sunset. I will spend that time fasting and praying and seeking clarity and purpose. I will ask a two questions. The first, “What will this year look like for me?” The second, “What do I need to do to stay healthy and safe?” Thirdly, I will ask for guidance, family, synchronicity, wild nourishment and healthy fulfillment of the journey. This assumes I don’t over sleep my alarm. 😉

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