Internal Pressure, Cooking
Today brings March 26th. In less than a week the sun will rise on my arbitrary start date of April 1st. My mind feels shattered. I feel numb, scared, but mostly confused. What will change on this day of fools? How will my life change? What rules will I set in place? Why did I decide to do this so many months, so many years back?
I do not remember what got me here. Why did I choose to do this? What exactly will I do differently in a week than I do today? Will people find it interesting? Does that matter?
Originally, my goal looked like â€œprimitivism,â€ but no so anymore. I could care less about making willow baskets or blades out of bone. I feel something deeper going on. I want to run away. I want to get a job and make money. I want to go back to teaching kids about nature or working as a producers bitch on television commercials, or chopping organic vegetables for some rich white persons hot wok. Anything but this. I donâ€™t know why I feel so scaredâ€¦ I donâ€™t even understand what will look so different. What will look different? I keep asking myself this and every time I think a plan that Iâ€™ve worked out will begin to run in the back of my mind, reassuring me. But I have no plan. Why donâ€™t I have a plan? I should have a plan. I had oneâ€¦ didnâ€™t I? What happened to the one I had? Oh yeah, I threw it away. It made no sense.
Iâ€™ve got money for food. That I know. The goal involves not using that money, but getting food by hunting, gathering and growing it myself. But Iâ€™ve got this money. Originally I said I would sleep outside for the whole year, a way of making sure I stayed on course. But now Iâ€™ve got a sweet warm bed, with a beautiful woman in it. Why did I want to sleep outside? Would that fit the definition of â€œprimitive?â€ If my goal revolves around food, why does sleeping outside have any significance? Why did I buy that fucking Tipi? I live in the Northwest, not the plains. What technology will I use? I have a solar panel. I have a laptop, cell phone, digital camcorder, and digital camera. Why the fuck do I have all that shit? I told people I would document my â€œjourney.â€
What makes me different than a couch surfing mooch? Will I use other peopleâ€™s stoves to cook my food? Probably. Where the hell would I find enough firewood to cook meals everyday? Would that feel energy efficient? Maybe I should. I wrote that I would in the original plan. The one I threw away. Maybe it felt like too much at once. Maybe if I cooked a few meals a week on a fire to get a feel for it. To find out where caches of wood exist. To find out how much wood I will need for one cooking fire. That makes me heart feel a little more at ease. Baby steps. Remember what happened the last time you stepped too far out of your comfort zoneâ€¦ you freaked out. You lost it. You havenâ€™t gone on a survival trek since. That happened five or six years ago. Yes. This plan, you thought this could help you break the spell from that trip. Baby steps. Youâ€™ve written a screenplay about this guy who lives the way you want to live. But to get there, youâ€™ve got to take it slow. Remember, indigenous children had 9-12 years of total emmersion before they became expected to get food, and even then, they didnâ€™t hunt alone.
I will not hunt alone. I mean, I will hunt alone. At first. Yes, I know friends who want to come with me. Other people â€œinto primitive skillsâ€ want to kill stuff. But on this quest, at least at first, I must go alone. Hunting feels sacred.
Iâ€™ve started gardening too. Gotta plant before April 1st. Gathering will come easy I think. Especially the fruits in the fall.
This coming year still feels and looks ambiguous. Should I write out a regiment? â€œMust cook over fire on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?â€ â€œMust kill two small rodents every week?â€ I canâ€™t do that. I feel like it must remain spontaneous. A little structure maybe. Hell, I have started the Kamana Program again, and I need to structure some time for that.
I turn 25 on April 8th. Iâ€™ll have lived for a quarter of a century. Seems like the biggest birthday since 21. Itâ€™ll also mark a year of sobriety. A year since I lost my hearing in my left earâ€¦ Should I have a birthday party? I wanted to have a tipi warming party too. I donâ€™t remember if I intentionally coincided these events. A rebirth at 25 years old.
I have decided that on April 1st, I will rise just before the sun, pedal to Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge (Urban Scoutâ€™s home in the movies) and find a spot to sit in until after sunset. I will spend that time fasting and praying and seeking clarity and purpose. I will ask a two questions. The first, â€œWhat will this year look like for me?â€ The second, â€œWhat do I need to do to stay healthy and safe?â€ Thirdly, I will ask for guidance, family, synchronicity, wild nourishment and healthy fulfillment of the journey. This assumes I donâ€™t over sleep my alarm. 😉
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