Week15: High Spirits or Hungry Ghosts?

When we no longer maintain a relationship with the spirits, the spirits have to eat our psyches. And when the spirits are done eating our psyches, they eat our bodies. And when they’re done with that, they move on to the people close to us. –Martin Prechtel

Waaah! I need money! Waaah! I drink too much! Waaah! Civ sucks. Yes, this last week I ranted, whined and bitched quite a bit didn’t I? I want to thank everyone for your words of encouragement and monetary advice. It has helped a lot actually. You may have wondered why I didn’t post this Saturday night like usual, and well your guess seems as good as mine. I woke up Sunday morning with some curious wounds on my body, and no memory of how they got there:

I never thought when I bought that vodka for tincture making, it would result in this. Though I don’t remember what happened, I luckily had friends who took care of me as best they could. I want to publicly talk about this, since I believe my struggle comes partly from living a life in civilization. Yes, I have a drinking problem. Yes, I struggle with alcoholism.

I won’t take you through my entire drinking history, but I’ll give you the brief run down. I got drunk for the first time on new years eve at 15 years old. I drank at parties and did stupid shit, but never too crazy. I quit drinking from around the age of 18-21 for moral reasons, not straight age, but kind of. I swore that I would not drink on my 21st birthday. I met a cute girl two days before and ended up getting wasted at a karaoke bar on my 21st. I started smoking that night, casually at bars and then about a year later during the day as well. From 21-24 I had several bad instances. Mostly they involved black outs and pissing the bed. The worst of that happened when I woke up standing in the living room at a house party with my dick in my hand, pissing on a couch. I quit drinking after that for 3 months. The day before my 24th birthday I convinced a stranger to punch me in the head. He boxed my ear and I went deaf in my left ear immediately, only to have it mostly come back in about 4 months. The next day on my birthday I got kicked out of a bar and walked home in the rain. The next week I blacked out at a wrap party and the producer had to walk me half way home. I quit drinking that day. I met Sasha a few weeks later, and she had also quit drinking so we bonded and helped each other stay sober.

I guess you probably know the rest. Sasha and I broke up, I got bored and lonely… and started drinking again. I blacked out two times this week, the last two times I have drank. After waking up bruised and burned, and hearing that I attacked my friends and put us all in jeopardy I no longer have a choice; from this day forward I will never again drink alcohol.

I liken drinking alcohol in my case to playing russian roulette. I may as well, because once I have that first drink all bets fade away and I have no choice over how much I drink. If alcohol presents itself, I will drink my way to oblivion and take everyone who really cares with me. I have a choice, yes or no. Yes means I could wake up with a slight hang over or I could wake up with bruises… or I could not wake up at all. I no longer want to gamble with my life.

Instead I will pour my energy into this project, and into feeding the other world so that it does not feed on me through Martin Prechtel style ritual. I feel so lucky to have the support of family, friends and fans. Thank you so much everyone! I planned to write more about alcoholism and addictions, but I think the Martin interview linked above explains it all.

I’ll work more on the laundry list in a bit, but Penny Scout just surprisingly showed up on my doorstep, so I’ve got to go! Let’s toast (water?) to a sober and happy and ritually fed existence.