Week15: High Spirits or Hungry Ghosts?
When we no longer maintain a relationship with the spirits, the spirits have to eat our psyches. And when the spirits are done eating our psyches, they eat our bodies. And when theyâ€™re done with that, they move on to the people close to us. –Martin Prechtel
Waaah! I need money! Waaah! I drink too much! Waaah! Civ sucks. Yes, this last week I ranted, whined and bitched quite a bit didn’t I? I want to thank everyone for your words of encouragement and monetary advice. It has helped a lot actually. You may have wondered why I didn’t post this Saturday night like usual, and well your guess seems as good as mine. I woke up Sunday morning with some curious wounds on my body, and no memory of how they got there:
I never thought when I bought that vodka for tincture making, it would result in this. Though I don’t remember what happened, I luckily had friends who took care of me as best they could. I want to publicly talk about this, since I believe my struggle comes partly from living a life in civilization. Yes, I have a drinking problem. Yes, I struggle with alcoholism.
I won’t take you through my entire drinking history, but I’ll give you the brief run down. I got drunk for the first time on new years eve at 15 years old. I drank at parties and did stupid shit, but never too crazy. I quit drinking from around the age of 18-21 for moral reasons, not straight age, but kind of. I swore that I would not drink on my 21st birthday. I met a cute girl two days before and ended up getting wasted at a karaoke bar on my 21st. I started smoking that night, casually at bars and then about a year later during the day as well. From 21-24 I had several bad instances. Mostly they involved black outs and pissing the bed. The worst of that happened when I woke up standing in the living room at a house party with my dick in my hand, pissing on a couch. I quit drinking after that for 3 months. The day before my 24th birthday I convinced a stranger to punch me in the head. He boxed my ear and I went deaf in my left ear immediately, only to have it mostly come back in about 4 months. The next day on my birthday I got kicked out of a bar and walked home in the rain. The next week I blacked out at a wrap party and the producer had to walk me half way home. I quit drinking that day. I met Sasha a few weeks later, and she had also quit drinking so we bonded and helped each other stay sober.
I guess you probably know the rest. Sasha and I broke up, I got bored and lonely… and started drinking again. I blacked out two times this week, the last two times I have drank. After waking up bruised and burned, and hearing that I attacked my friends and put us all in jeopardy I no longer have a choice; from this day forward I will never again drink alcohol.
I liken drinking alcohol in my case to playing russian roulette. I may as well, because once I have that first drink all bets fade away and I have no choice over how much I drink. If alcohol presents itself, I will drink my way to oblivion and take everyone who really cares with me. I have a choice, yes or no. Yes means I could wake up with a slight hang over or I could wake up with bruises… or I could not wake up at all. I no longer want to gamble with my life.
Instead I will pour my energy into this project, and into feeding the other world so that it does not feed on me through Martin Prechtel style ritual. I feel so lucky to have the support of family, friends and fans. Thank you so much everyone! I planned to write more about alcoholism and addictions, but I think the Martin interview linked above explains it all.
I’ll work more on the laundry list in a bit, but Penny Scout just surprisingly showed up on my doorstep, so I’ve got to go! Let’s toast (water?) to a sober and happy and ritually fed existence.